Astronomers declare no further research required

Scientists across the world have declared that no further research is required in the field of astronomy, saying that everything about space is now sufficiently understood. 

The decision, announced today at the virtual Global Consortium of Astronomy, Astrology and Astrophysics conference, was met with applause but not surprise from the astronomical community. 

“The Pluto thing distracted us for a while, but really we’ve been on a trajectory to finishing our research since the early 2000s,” says Professor April Furst, an astrophysicist at the Facility Of Observational Lens’ and Spectrometry in Space (FOOLSs), University of Eastern Australia. 

“We think we’ve figured it out at this point. There might be a few more black holes we can discover, but everything else is pretty much mapped. Humanity can now look to the stars, and not wonder about anything.” 

The decision comes along with a proposal to convert the world’s biggest telescopes – including the Square Kilometre Array – into theme parks. 

“We were excited for the development of the SKA,” says Furst. 

“But it turns out we’re not going to need it to look at the stars. It will still be a fun tourist destination, though. Maybe we could hook a couple of slides to the dishes and take school excursions out there?” 

Dr Henrietta Leavitt, a physician at the New South Victoria State Hospital, says the announcement will reduce strain on hospitals adjacent to universities, as it’s effectively a ‘cure’ for aperture fever.  

Aperture fever – the addictive desire to build bigger telescopes – is a serious condition among astronomers.  

“When William Herschel secured the funding to build a 40-foot telescope in 1785, he became patient zero for a disease that has claimed the lives of thousands of astronomers,” says Leavitt. 

“Because we’re so close to a university, we see dozens of aperture fever cases per year. It’s really distressing, all these astronomers bleating about what stars they could see with another million dollars. Just leave it.” 

The astronomers are now turning their expertise to other fields, with many focusing on ocean exploration.

“There’s still so much we don’t know about the ocean, but that can change now we’ve wrapped space,” says Furst. “I think that by 2027, we’ll be able to say we understand everything we need to know about the sea. Particularly now we have all these extra researchers to help.”

“Maybe we could aim some of the telescopes at the ocean.” 

Leavitt welcomes this news. “I’m sick of treating marine biologists that have been bitten by sea snakes. It would be great to have that finished by the end of the decade.” 

The lack of new discoveries has affected journals, too, forcing some of them to close their doors. 

“We only had one paper submitted to us in the last month,” says Stella Staright, editor-in-chief at Nature Astrology, “and it was just about Uranus. We don’t need to see Uranus. We’ve seen it plenty of times.  

“This has brought us to the decision to discontinue Nature Astrology.” 

The impacts are clear even to the general public, as interest dwindles in astronomy content on famous social media platform, Tiktok. 

“Ultimately, everything is relative, even space,” says science Tiktoker Albert Einstein. “And space is relatively boring.”